i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
