3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
