Moan for me like Helen Keller
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
