so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
