His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
