glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
