I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
