Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
