if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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