He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Randomize
