So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
