you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
