hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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