make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
