Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
