there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
