When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize