I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
