Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
