Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize