i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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