We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
