Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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