Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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