Define "chronic" masturbator.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
