Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
