Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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