You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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