This is not my ceiling
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize