just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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