It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize