I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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