I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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