Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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