did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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