I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize