Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
