My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
