i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
