You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
