i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
