I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
