the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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