I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
