# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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