I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
