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She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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