Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
