I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
