I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
