I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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