An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
whose parrot is this?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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