also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We are two peas in an std pod
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
