I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
