You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
