literally had 100 drinks last night.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
