Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
