im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
